A Seed Afraid of Water

Come tend the soil of my soul 

& like a garden, it will grow

I sit perched on the sofa, legs folded to my chest, chin resting upon my knees. The room is coated in a peach-tinted light from the sun reflecting off the ornaments on the tree. My Titi Irma is resting in the chair across the living room. Her voice is sweet like honey as she begins speaking of the love shared between my grandparents. My Titi Diana is relaxed in the recliner a few feet away from me, she is gently examining her nail beds but listening to every word pouring into the room. 

Twenty minutes before this I was across from my Tio Mike in a coffee shop chatting about work ethic, being dependent on nothing, and jumping from the belly of an airplane. As we had been walking into the coffee shop he’d thrown his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head, 

He asked, “You're coming to Diana’s after this, right?” but it was more of a statement. 

The past few weeks I had been thinking of how much I’d truly missed my Abuelas laughter, the fragrance of my Titi Irmas perfume, and the presence of my relatives. This had buried a deep sense of guilt and regret in my chest. I don’t visit enough. 

Now, here I was, curled up and listening to the voices of two women who had sung in a Grammy-winning choir back in the day. They spoke of the accomplishments they’d achieved. How they had worked many years to have the things they have now. How they didn't settle for their dreams just being dreams. They would make a very beautiful life for themselves, no matter what it took. And they did. As each story unfolded, each block of their castle was laid out and explained to me. I listened. Appreciating every piece that formed them to be who they are. They let love into their lives. They had faith. They believed that their hard work was meant for something. They gave that hope to the next generation. Mothers watering their seeds. 

As I sat there it became very clear to me that all that I had been isolating myself with was not all the world had to offer. Every heartache I had experienced, every injustice that withered my body, and every failure I had experienced, were not dead-end roads. They were fragments of the broken pieces in the world but they were also chances to learn. Learn love, learn strength, learn lessons. It made me realize what a gift it is to be young, inexperienced, and fragile. Because I won't be any of those things forever. 

If I want a beautiful soul when I'm 60 I must keep her alive while I am in my twenties. 

I sat there. A girl with a lot. Who felt a lot. And fell a lot. I sat there with tears teasing my water lines, thinking that I almost took this moment away from myself. I almost shortened the next generation. 

A seed afraid of water for the fear of drowning in it. Instead of being nourished.. 

I thought to myself, 

I am going to make a very beautiful life for myself. No matter what it takes. 

Come tend the soil of my soul 

& like a garden, it will grow